social habits

this one has been on my mind for a little while now, and truth be told it's actually something I've been accused of before not liking people, or otherwise being antisocial.  but as I hope all my friends would be willing to tell you that's not the case there are however a number or things that keep me from being a very social individual.

one of the biggest (and most normal) reasons for this is that I am an introverted individual. the short version of this is that being around crowds of people just drains me, I'd also much rather have a slower conversation were I have a few moments to think through my response than the rapid conversations that are the norm. I've actually been reading about it in an issue of psychology today and there is a lot more to it than that, but if you feel shy or out of place in big parties I recommend doing some reading, learning about common introverted behavior really felt freeing to me. (the psychology today website doesn't' have the article I'm reading, which is entitled revenge of the introverts, but check a few of these out and you'll get some basic ideas, they have a lot more if you just search introvert thttp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201002/dont-call-us-we-ll-call-well-no-actually-we-probably-won-t   http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201001/itll-be-fun-and-other-extrovert-lies 

the rest of the reasons are actually things that cause some problems. most relating to my being a transexual, and the depression that comes with this.  basically the way that this works out is that if I can't find way to constantly keep myself stimulated while in public.  I'll give you an example, recently I had to attend my schools orientation, despite having been there for a month, I already knew about everything they started talking about, and after about ten minuets of my mind wandering I suddenly had to start holding back the tears while my mind went to, well I'll just say some dark places.

on a similar token it also seems dishonest of me to socialize with people as long as I have to pretend to be a boy. this isn't always the case but the more intimate I want the relationship to be the more dishonest it feels to go forward unless I were to work up the courage to tell them first. I recently decided not to ask a girl I like out but I'm still OK with trying to get a dungeons and dragons group together, just for an example. this trait is defantly a problem and I believe is the biggest reason why most of my socializing is done online, all the people I talk to online know my current status and they still accept me as a woman, I'm not at a point in my life were I can get this anywhere else and it's the only way for me to have a deep meaningful relationship (friendship or otherwise) and as many times as I have to hear people tell me how bad that is for me or claiming I don't like people. it's far better than the alternatives I have access to.