Thursday, August 19, 2010

emotinal baggage

OK a bit of a story behind this surprise post. I can feel my depression flaring up again, and as is it's patterns it attacks the same areas of my life, the same thoughts, I'm not in a position to counter most of them, or possibly all of them, but I figured I'd try and this time it's attacking once again my feelings regarding my last relationship. for the record, part of the problem is that I truly blame myself for everything I'm about to bring up, in my own head everything bad about the relationship was 100% my fault one way or another, but if I'm to gain any control over this depression(at least enough so I don't' drop out of school like last time) I can't keep thinking in those terms, so this well out of necessitate frame her to be worse than she is, so the few that know who I'm talking about please keep that in mind. (and if she ends up reading this I'm really really sorry but if I don't let this out I think it might start ruling me again). also I have no idea how to start this or structure it, and being a pretty emotional piece at an emotional time I don't think I could, so this might not be very clear.and also keep in mind I only ever talked to her through text, instant message email that sort of thing

first off a small things I'm likely to repeat, despite the fact that we met on a TG friendly website I always had the suspicion she considered me a man, this was mostly a number of small things,  I'd always be holding her, never the other way around, when she asked to dance she'd also make it a point of saying I was leading you get the idea

I suppose one of the biggest things was that I never felt free to express myself in the relationship, early on I had gone to her with a few of my emotional problems, and she'd respond by telling me how hurt she was to hear me talking bad about myself, this only served to make me feel worse I'd try to apologize and say I wouldn't bring up stuff like that again, then she'd state that just make her feel worse, this would bring me to an even newer low and our exchange would pretty much end by that point, I doubt she knew but I was crying after both the times that happened.  one of the reasons why this was so pivotal is because one of the primary ways my depression attacks me (for the record she doesn't know this) is convincing me that I am nothing but a negative impact or a burden on those I care for and those around me, so having my girlfriend confirm that no matter what I did I was significantly hurting her made an already emotional time pretty extreme. after we'd had exchanges like that twice I didn't feel comfortable volunteering my problems no matter how much I felt I needed to talk about them, ans since she very rarely asked how I was doing I never got a chance to express them.

on a related note she also started planning an expensive trip for the two of us, very shortly after we started dating, as some one who honestly didn't believe they were worth anything the fact that she was paying for most of it was putting a lot of stress on me, I was able to communicate this a few times, even using phrases like I'm not worth it, she wasn't willing to give up on it completely, in part I believe do to the fact that it was going to be our first time meeting face to face. but eventually she promised to stop bringing it up until some time really close to when things had to be finalized. shortly afterward she regularly brought up "the thing I promised not to mention" which was a double hit, I know exactly what she was talking about so not only it was an instant reminder of how much I was taking from her by going on the trip but how much I was taking just from asking her not to talk about something she was looking forward to.

another big aspect was that I know for a fact the feelings she was feeling for me in the relationship, weren't actually for me, she had some how constructed a sort of persona me that she had fallen for, I tried bringing this up a few times, and she'd usually just get angry, on several occasions she stated she did in fact know who I was.  but there was one specific time were I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was a persona she had built up of me, it was pretty much the in sighting incident that made me realize I had to break the relationship off.  I had been pretty down for a while, I was once again contemplating suicide, I was in bed upwards of 14 hours a day and often only eating only one microwave french bread pizza a day, this went on for weeks, in fact from a nutrition stand point I don't know how I made it out of that. my roommates didn't know much but even they seemed to be picking up on the fact that something was wrong, and my closest friend (some one who I also communicate with exclusively through text) picked up that something was wrong, but I didn't talk to my friend much since at the time I thought all the stressors in my life were related to my relationship and I didn't feel right talking behind her back. one day it got so bad that I couldn't even gather the will power to really chat, I'd give one word responses to everything, my GF

1 comment:

  1. I understand. While the circumstances were different, the way the depression played out were the same. Mine was work and was bumping up against the person I had fallen in love with online. She had stressors as well and in some cases I think she figures it is better for me to not see her go down health-wise. The ultimate thing that happened was another online friend helping me to seek help. I went to my doctor and I have some medicine now. One was the one that I can take for quick help.

    I know this does not help. When it hits nothing does, I just want you to know I understand and that I will keep you in my prayers. *kiss* Hang in there Sweetie.