Sunday, April 24, 2011


just a short post this weekend but I wanted to say I've been inviting to be a member of a corroborative blog on tumblr with a number of wonderful people, the blog is called gamer isms, and it's primarily going to be a gaming news/editorial place, but with the exception that were building it to be a safe space. so if your tired of hearing "make me a sandwich" 'jokes' or using the word gay like an insult within gaming communities it should be worth checking out.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

not on tap

something's been running thorugh my mind lately so hopefully you don't mind if I use this to clean up a few cobwebs that have been hanging out in my head.  just a few things to keep in mind,  the fact that this is coming up now is a good thing, a few years ago I wasn't able to recognize this and tended to blam myself for everything (still blame myself for 99% of it but hey it's progress).  I'm just barely now coming to realize some of the problems with my last romantic relationship (a relationship that happened years ago) it wasn't the only thing wrong with the relationship, however it was a pretty big one, and I think I only recently realized it because in the guise of a "friendship" she's still treating me like this.

I know she's not doing it maliciously but she treats me as if my energy and emotions are on tap for her, she bears little to no regard for ignoring me for small things even after I've expressed concern about it. yet (especially while we were dating) she seems to always expect me to be available, even if she was just bored.  yes she would offer emotional support and the like sometimes, but it rarely had anything to do with when I needed it, and I suspect much more to do with when she decided she was up to it. and keep in mind, she knew about a lot of the problems I had, a very emotional blog post on the haven was effectiveness what started that relationship. I know it might not come off very well in a blog post, especially since I fully understand how sometimes you just can't muster up much energy, sometimes even for important things, so you'll have to take my word that what she did was not just a few isolated incidents, it was the norm, and her volunteering any energy or even willing to listen to me when I was having problems were rare.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

a little confession

alright, I’m bored and my depression is spiking so I’m going to get something off my chest, this is something I’ve felt kinda guilty for doing but I know I shouldn’t. very very very minor spoilers for mass effect and dragon age games.
I’ll admit I’m a sucker for a good romance, though I rarely like them to be the focus of the story and hate it more when it feels forced in.  I’m also a video gamer and an avid role player (pen and paper and forum play by posts included).  and one thing bioware as been doing a great (though far far from perfect) job of doing lately is opening up more role playing options and romance options within that.

the two have been a great combination for me, and a great chance to express myself.  the problem is that my characters always go for the same type of guys, in mass effect it’s kaiden, never winter nights two (not bioware but it was based off there work) it was cassivir, dragon age two it was Anders (alister came close for the first game but he doesn’t quite fit) these are all protective guys, kaiden especially talks about how he wants to protect your charecter and they all talk about how they don’t want to see any harm come the charecter.  now my characters are not weak women in dragons age 2 my version of hawke stood in front of a man twice her size and as a mage challenged him to one on one combat (mages are not made for going into a fight alone) my version of shepard has talked (face to hologram) to entities so old and powerful as to be on the edge of comprehension, and she’s done this without flinching and telling them that she will not go down without a fight, and that they better be ready to find her fighting back at every instances.  and in all these games it is quite easily my character saving her love interest despite how I like the conversation to go once there somewhere safe.

I know that since I do my best to bring these characters to life and flesh them out to be real 3 dimensional characters this shouldn’t feel like paradox but the constancy of this has always gotten to me a little.  also one of the things that annoys me is that I have yet to come across a female character with those sorts of dialogue options I would love to see a girl character in one of these games fill that romance role.