Sunday, March 27, 2011

update on escapism and cats

ok still trying o pull myself up, though I do seem to be climbing, so i've been having trouble coming up with full topics for blog posts, so here's a few updates on previous posts.

one is my cat, thanks to a vacuum kind of spot cleaner and finding a spray that seems to work for the carpenter (thanks to my good good friend jennifer) I think my cat is safe, the landlords still don't like it so he's on very shaky ground but there no longer actively telling me I can't have him.

second is that I think I gave the wrong impression in my escapism post, while I admit I overindulge in gaming and escpaism while my depression is flaring, I think I pretty much have it under control when my depression isn't killing my functionality. and when my depression flares I need the distraction, if I'm not gaming it's typically only a matter of time before I start doing things like literally researching how to suscessfully kill myself, I know why some of the common methods fail and I've spent time looking how to do them effectivly, and spent time thinking about where I could go to do it that would take the longest for them to find me (ideal situation being not finding me at all) and while I enjoy stuff like writting or reading, I basically need to build up momentum before they manage to occupy enough of my head to sufficiently keep those thoughts out, otherwise a part of my brain brings them up and before you know it, I'm thinking more about sucide then what I'm trying to read. gaming as the advatage of drawing me in sufficently right away.

furthermore I don't think I use it to avoid other things, if there's something specific on my mind I usually find a way of trying to deal with that (often thanks once again to my friend Jennifer) but a lot of times it's not stuff that I can, sometimes it's self esteem issues, and sometimes it's just the sadness thoughts of death, so I welcome anything that can bring something else into my head.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


sorry the posts have been really low lately, my depression is flaring up and I've been needing a lot of caffine just to stay functional for my homework so getting around to blog posts as been an uphill battle. and has per my usual when I'm not drowning in caffeine and homework during a depression I click on some video games, spent a little more money on them recently then I probably should have.  I know burying myself in video games probably isn't the best course of action but it's one of the few things that involve me enough to keep the darker thoughts out of my head, it really wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that dragon age 2 got me through the last couple of weeks.  hopefully I'll be a bit better next week and have something a bit more substantial.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


sorry for the short post but I just got news that I probably won't be able to keep one of my cats. since he's already sick the chances of finding him somewhere else to live are pretty slim, practically zero.  so it pretty much means I'll have to put him down soon.  and that fact is kinda hitting me hard, my cats have been one of the few constants in my life since I got them, and out side of meds one of the few things helping my depression (it's pretty much them and a very close friend who I can only communicate with via messenger).  sorry, I don't know what else to say, but yeah, the news has hit me pretty hard.