Monday, November 23, 2009


OK being a little lazy on this one, this is a year old re-post of one of my more intense blogs I posted on Rachel's haven, feel free to comment or ask me about anything you think will help you out,  but for the record most of what I bring up I'm still dealing with in one form or another and just bringing it up in the form of "that's long gone now right" will only dredge up the negative feelings associated with it.
and most of all I promise I'll have something more light hearted tomorrow

OK, First off I know that nobody here is a medical professional or a therapist but I’m trying to find one in some form but so far I’ve been unsuccessful but right now I could really use some advice even though I hate to bother all of you like this, especially since I’m sure this may be hard to make sense of sometimes, it was fairly difficult to write but even harder to sift through it looking for grammar errors, if any body needs anything cleared up or spots an error tell me I’ll fix it or explain it the best I can as soon as I can.

Further more I’d like to apologize I imagine that this is going to be fairly wordy and long with several parts that were awkward to write and I imagine even worse to read but I didn’t want to leave out anything that might be relevant.

(this part was written after I finish the rest of the blog, I think the time I spent thinking through everything and putting it all down in one place made the things that never quite fit the pattern seem a lot smaller, though I would still appreciate any advice anybody would be willing to give)

   Alright first off I don’t know how old I was but in some of my earliest childhood memories I can remember fantasies about becoming a woman. I can’t remember them too well but admitting they were fairly childish, there were two large themes among all my fantasies. One was being changed into a girl and becoming popular at school, the other was more about becoming a bride. These fantasies mostly happened when I was trying to go to sleep, a part of the day were I would let my mind fly to wherever it wanted to go.  Outside of the fantasies I do remember on several occasions just wishing to be a girl, it never took the form of prayer or on a star but it was there,  however I also remember justifying all this as mere curiosity. My memories from that part of my life are hazy at best so it’s hard to say how much of that is truth, or how much is me fooling myself to try to fit my own deep seated religious beliefs or because I knew right from the get go that my family wouldn’t look to kindly at it.

   Puberty came late for me, but wasn’t as traumatic as in most of what I read for transsexual people, for the most part it only carried the annoyance of pimples the thing between my legs seeming to grow a mind of it’s own.  There was also the fact that I was no longer made fun of for my voice (when I say late I mean the summer between eight and ninth grade, yeah it didn’t hit until basically high school).  During high school my religious conviction was at a high point, looking back I realize I repressed many parts of my own psyche in order to best conform to what the Ideal LDS male should be ( I never hit it of course but it was the prime motivator in how I acted).  Naturally a lot happened to me in high school but the I don’t know how much would be relevant but here’s what comes to mind I joined choir and for the most part enjoyed it, but I was constantly envious of that wonderful singing voice that a lot of the woman had, looking back at it we had several great male singers but I never cared much to sound like them.  The other thing occurred when I got a copy of never winter nights gold, there were probably similar instances but right now this is the only one that comes to mind, there was a picture of an elf girl wielding two swords and I remember looking at it trying to resist the temptation to make a character like that, in the end the first character I made was male, but I made two female characters after that and justified it with the thought that it was to see how differently the game treated woman.

Patterns like that continued until around when I turned 18, I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say that around the time when I turned eighteen I started exploring my religious philosophies, and once I changed to something more open I began to explore many other aspects of myself, I didn’t consider anything really strange at that point the change in religion really involved something of a preliminary shredding of identity in the first place.  It wasn’t until this point in my life that I started to explore the TG aspects of myself with anything resembling an open mind, though in retrospect I know full well that it was still far from one (like many people on this site I tried to purge myself of all my TG interest a few times and on top of that I’m fairly certain that I wasn’t open to myself about it when I thought I was).  Naturally my first recourse for exploring myself was the internet, the first thing I found were transvestite sites that were more fetish oriented, for a brief amount of time I thought this was enough but I was always looking for more, the role-play boards on this site being the only thing I’ve settled on for this long. Sometime in between finding this site and my initial discovery of the sexual based sites I got the idea to choose a female name, honestly I can’t remember exactly were it came from but I’ll admit I know I got it from somewhere, it took me a while to come up with one cause I didn’t want to pick one that I associated with somebody else which ruled out most of the names I could think of,  but one night I remember settling on the name Cindy, I remember the moment fairly clearly, though it is hard to explain, there was a small physical tingle that went through my body the moment I mentally proclaimed that my name was Cindy.

   Shortly after I wrote my last blog (I accidentally deleted it when I was getting ready to post this, it was on December 2 and it was little more than me venting my frustration) I was growing frustrated with the fact that I could never express this large side of myself out side of fantasy, I had tried to work up the courage to take any step before but I was always falling short and chickening out. In this particular case I decide that I had to find something, anything, and if I couldn’t even do that most simple of task then what’s the point of even trying any of it any more, as a result I shaved my legs in the evening.  I spent some time in my room reviling in them smooth and soft.  The problem came the next day, it’s winter time here and that frequently means snow, so there was almost no chance of being discovered but still I walked around with them all day able to feel them, I was feeling constantly ashamed of them as well as embarrassed, I’m not proud to admit it but at that point I had planed out my suicide, fortunately I had a very good friend that managed to talk me down and cheer me up even though she never knew that I was actually considering sluiced at the time, I also believe she is one of the very few reasons why I fell it’s finally safe to explore myself now as she is the first person that I have ever had the feeling that I’ll be accepted no matter who I turn out to be.

OK now I didn’t know were to put this and I have no idea of it’s relevance but the incident I just talked about wasn’t the first time suicide had been on the table, just the first time it had been directly connected to anything TG, it’s been on and off my mind for many years now, usually clinging to any number of things, including curiosity as to what would happen after, the only reason why I bring it up at all is that with that one exception I notice that it comes up significantly less the more open with myself I am.

   This next part is the one that I feel awkward about writing and I’m not sure were else to put it either.  One thing I’ve read about a lot of people who end up going through transition is how much a lot of them hate the, parts, that they were born with.  I myself never had a down right hatred or disgust for it, but I certainly never liked it. Usually my feelings about it vary between non-caring and very annoyed at what it does, even when what I’m thinking about doesn’t even have even the slightest of erotic undertones.  There are a few scenes in the role-plays that have yielded a response from it, the types of one that come to mind the most are ones like in the magical school RP were my character Cindy is with her boyfriend who is typically holding her and promising to keep her safe, or like a date scene in the super hero’s RP were my characters boyfriend would but his arm around her and won her a prize at the carnival.  For the record I have used it for, self satisfying but overall I find it unfulfilling and a bit more bothersome than is worth it, though I noticed I still do it when something in life is stressing me out.

   That’s all I can think about at this point, if you have any questions feel free to ask, no matter how personal they may seem if they can help me figure myself out I will gladly answer it to the best of my ability.

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