two weeks in a row

ok so school is gearing up for finals so I've basically hit the calm before the storm, finally finished with group projects but still ahead of the actual tests. so while I have a bit of free time I spent it doing coding tutorials to prepare for next semester, but I figred I could still talk about a few posts I hope to have up here soon (soon being used rather loosley.

first up, remember my hope to do a deep analysis of the legend of zelda ocarina of time well after playing the game I started looking into what others have said about it, and frankly felt a bit intimidated as it was a very deeply talked about subject, so I kinda shy'd away from it for bit too long and would now basically doing it from scratch if I tried to write it up, so I've modified my idea a bit.  I'll still be attempting deep analysis but I won't be looking at other peoples stuff, I'll be shooting for a smaller format though still trying to do some real analysis. and otherwise will have more in common with a lot of reviews, as such I'll my first attempt will be a different game (aka something I finish around the time I have the energy to write it up), though I am considering doing a couple of very basic write up's for games I haven't played in a long time, mostly just to help me narrow down the format(top candidates for this are persona 4 and legend of Zelda majora's mask).

the other idea, quite possibly the first time i've thought about talking about clothes on this blog (take that sterotypes) not sure if much will come from it since talking about clothes or fashion tends to bore me after a while.  but there are a few things about charm bracelets and buttons that have been bouncing around in my head and kinda feel like sharing.

if any of this sounds interesting to any of you feel free to speak up and I'll give it priority, otherwise this is stuff I hope to have up soon but can't make any promises.

been in a bit of a bad headspace lately

I can tell it's bad when I start making excuses for why I should have stayed in my last relationship. note I'm not saying why it wasn't bad or I should try getting back with my ex, not how things could have worked out with a few changes, but why I should have stayed in it.  that may sound mostly but suffice it to say I started that relationship when I was at a confusing and very low part of my life, and the way my ex treated me managed to drive me a lot lower.  it's not entirely her fault like I said I was already pretty low and thus didn't have the energy to stand up to her or challenge her per-conceived notions of me, but then a blog post I made (not this blog) were I was confused, nervous, scared, and desperately reaching out for help was what started our friendship, and the romantic relationship was kicked off a very short time later, so if she were concerned about me she should have easily realized the vulnerable position I was in. yet as bad as it was two things keep making me think I should have stuck with it, one is how much I emphasis I place on relationships being necessary to be happy, and at times I get the impression my last relationship was basically my only chance to have such a relationship.

lim

ok first off, for as long as school's in session I think I'll say that my attempt of a "weekly" schedual is gone, school kinda has to come first, and when my school work is done I don't usually have a lot of will or energy left for any kind of writing.  I'm not abandoning the blog, but it may be more of a monthly thing till a break hits, sorry.

next up is a little flash game it's really really short and takes no time to load.  there is a glitch were the player or one of the other blocks will pass through the wall, but play it.  the game as a really powerful metaphor that brings to life something I've had a lot of trouble expressing myself.

http://mkopas.net/files/Lim


also I'm now on google plus. not sure if anything will come of it, but I figured it was worth a shot,  name there is Cindy F and my email is venatuscindy[at]gmail[dot]com (sorry but I'm trying to avoid spam bots).  even though I don't write here often if you send me a message on google plus or an email I'll probably get back to you fairly quickly, so it's a great place to go if you have any questions.

wow, a month

ok I know I say this a lot but sorry it's been so long my energy has been kinda sapped my dwindling reserve, when I can muster something it's generally gone to school.

I'll be starting school tomorrow but it looks like there was a delay in my transcripts being processed so none of my pre-requisets got registered in time for me to get into the classes I needed, so first semester is something of a wash filled with classes just to keep me enrolled, I'm really disapointed that it turned out this way, but at least it keeps me on the path to get out of this state and into a situation were I can get hormones.

hopefully I'll be back to regular posting soon, but lately I've been using caffeine to stay functional and combat the energy drain with depression.  as a result I now have a caffeine dependance (not the first time) and I'm still battling the normal depression so I'll try to post but I have no idea what my energy levels will be.

job, steam sale, and college

ok been a lot longer then I thought it would be, my new job as a chaotic schedule,  liking the job so far, it's just I don't know if I'll be working weekends till about thursday, and at any point I can be asked not to come in the next day (not fired, I'm a software tester, sometimes the programmers are running behind and testing slows while they catch up).

I've also been trying to get back to school so I can get a bachleors (4-year) degree.  due to some of my history it's been difficult and I have an interview coming up this week, don't know what to expect and even if it goes well it's no gurantee.

last is the steam sale, wow I have sunk a fair amount of money into games thanks to this, fortunately all the games have been cheap compared their normal prices, and most have been under 5 bucks, so should keep me entertained for a while to come.

started a new job

it's only temporary but I've also been working this weekend, so I haven't had much time or energy to write up my blog post this week, although for once I do have stuff to talk about, and not just the job.  next week I hope to be talking a bit about the new mass effect 3 ending, not the specific details but rather just the emotional impact that a piece of fiction and I feel mass effect will be a great time for that fiction can have, and for a number of reasons (many having to do with me personally) I feel it will make a very good example though I do plan on keeping it spoiler free.

gamerisms

I know I've talked about gamerisms before and while I try to contribute to it truth is I felt I wasn't able to contribute much, I could do the occasional re-blog or posting a link to something relevant, but the few times I tried to write in depth it didn't seem to go over to well.  I was actually getting self conscious about it, I have to say though I wrote a piece earlier this week that was received pretty well which as made fortunately made me confident that I can contribute there, even if it's not as often as I'd like. you can find the post here. be warned it deals with a recent and nasty outbreak of harassment sprung on by the gaming community.

outside of that there's not much positive to talk about, I recently bought the original dues ex and after only some slight modding I was able to get it running perfectly.  I had a bit of a reminder of how important it is to keep my feminine side hidden when my dad was watching some reality tv and there was a young boy with long shiny slightly curly hair, and wearing a lot of pink.  nothing directly came of this one, fortunately my dad missed the key line in the intro that explained that bit, and I managed to get us out of the house before it came up again it's just really disheartening.

downer then kitties

sorry I can't post much this week, my head space is stuck in some places I'd rather nto dwell, you can read a little about it on my tumblr here http://venatus.tumblr.com/post/24797424228/personal-so-im-putting-ths-behind-a-break  yes it's about my ex, every time I think I'm past it something else brings up some more shit.  to make up that have these pictures of the cutest avengers http://fuckyeahblackwidow.tumblr.com/post/24818774158/tauriice-little-loki-was-recently-spotted-at

also kittens

so had a random thought

something that might bring some more varied content into this blog and the gamerisms tumblr blog I sometimes contribute to. I'm talking about some long form game analysis.  now this doesn't mean a review directly, instead I'm taking my inspiration from errant signal and tasteful understated nerd rage (links open in a new page, and will take you to spoiler free video's of theirs).

the basic premise is to talk about the game in a long and serious manner that one might see for movies, literature or other pieces of art.  I'm a bit intimidated as I don't feel as well read as those guys sometimes get, and I believe both of them have actually worked in the gaming industry.  however I feel it's something that's not done very often, those two guys being most of what I've been able to find in that manner so even if I'm not very good at it I don't' think I could exactly hurt anything either.

chances are I'd be doing this in text, largely due to anonymity, voice, and even technical reasons (have one mike I don't think even works anymore).   though I would put more effort into proofreading and re-writing then I normally do on this blog as this blog is generally more about self expression and venting were as these writings would be meant to prompt discussion or in depth thought.

I'm thinking my first article will be on the legend of Zelda ocarina of time. although I'm not sure if there's much interest in this in the firs place, so tell me what you think.

black widow and motoko.

ok so I have some good news and bad news for anyone reading through this blog.  good news, I have an actual post this week, bad news, it's more about the black widow and ghost in the shell. now before I begin I'd like to direct my readers toward a cap that my good friend Jennifer made. her post is here.  her website and the caps are adult oriented and related to BDSM and similar topics so just be aware of that going in.































black widow, and major motoko kusanagi, my two favorite fictional characters.  now I have no idea were the random brain wave came to start comparing them came from, but I began to realize they do have a lot in common.  now this isn't going to be an in depth character study or anything, in terms of psychology and past and motivations their isn't a lot in common, but in skill sets and how they interact with the world.  and just to be clear I'll be using the version of motoko from the stand alone complex anime, not the movie or the original manga (the three are best thought of as different characters entirely).

both characters live in a world, were super human abilities are everywhere, black widow see's the likes of thor, the hulk, iron man, motoko lives in a world were robots look and act like people but can have rifles in their arms or mini guns in their chest.  yet neither one exactly has super powers I'm stretching this with motoko since she is a cyborg with abilities beyond anything a human can do, but they don't seem rare in her world and at best their an exaggeration of human abilities, for example she can jump very high but not fly.  things work similarly for black widow, while she's more down to earth in her abilities no one physical trait she has seems impossible but she's at the peak of human physical ability.

in fights neither character uses brute strength instead both rely on acrobatic ability to outmaneuver their opponents and gain leverage, keep their opponents off guard, or attack parts they can't defend.

but most of all, their both extremely difficult to catch by surprise, they exist in a world were information means the difference between life and death and have become utter masters at gathering all the Intel they can. and generally have a very acute awareness of what's going on around them.  I feel this is particularly potent because that's the main strength of both these characters lie, and I have to admit I really like that aspect of the characters, probably my favorite part about them other then personality or history traits (I know that's a huge thing to remove, but hopefully you get my point.

happy mothers day

bleh week

so this week I haven't been doing a lot. I'm getting more involved in rp's at the heaven which I think is really helping me out, I think I may be sick with something, though it's hard to tell I cough a bit more and my throats irritated if it hadn't tuck around for so long I wouldn't' think anything of it.  had a conversation with my dad, which I think flared up my depression, but this stint of barely being able to move only lasted the day. almost entered into a bit of a writing contest at the haven, but a combination of writers block, the dad conversation and not realizing I needed to include a transformation of some kind made it so I didn't hit my deadline.

I've also been getting pretty lonely again, mostly in the form of wishing I was in a relationship, this prompted me to realize I still had some IM conversations with my ex saved on my hard drive, managed to erase them but they weren't very well named so I had to open up and look through them a bit to see which were with her,  this likely only made my depression stint and my loneliness worse.

on the brighter side I'm probably going to be seeing the avengers next weekend.

games

so still not a lot going on in my life, I'm joining a zombie rp on the haven, which should be a lot of fun and hopefully will be a good outlet for my more girlie side (I know strange I can do it even amongst zombies) and I also agreed to help play test a card game that some one on the haven is developing.  I haven't played a round yet but it seriously looks like a lot of fun and it would probably be helpful to have more people in so if you can please think about signing up.

http://www.rachelshaven.com/index.php?option=com_smf&Itemid=41&topic=52485.msg411066#new

Game Desgin

 So a while ago I talked about a random idea I had, it originated from my brain causing a collision between batman and the assassin’s creed game. http://thoughtsofarandomtransexual.blogspot.com/2011/10/cross-over-fan-fic.html?zx=a2b3373a99b8bc57

Now since then I've been toying around with making a game using this idea, I was originally planning on trying to use the editor in star craft 2 (but that thing is kind of intimidating, and online tutorials exit but they're pretty big and unwieldy looking from what I've seen) while I should just bite the bullet and start learning it (especially since I want to be a programmer later) I wanted to focus more on developing the game itself, not learn a specific set of tools.  To make delaying all the more tempting a recent kickstarter allowed a shadowrun game to be put in production, and the developers are already saying a robust editing tool is a major feature of their planned game. add the facts that the core game play of the game and art assets depicting a dystopian future fit my concept a lot better, and well you get the idea.

OK that ended up longer then I'd hoped, anyway despite nothing concrete coming up I have spent time thinking about how I want the game to run, what the players place is among the factions will be, the major themes of the game.  First thing this did is cement the idea that "the batman side" will be a group of people, rather than an individual. This should allow me to set up some conversations to both show the groups philosophy and show some problems with it. Most importantly I've been trying to balance the philosophy and actions of the groups to allow me to create moral ambiguity and put the player in a position to tip the scales towards the faction they support. I'm still trying to work it out, and since I haven't come up with new names I'm currently using their inspiration as working titles.
the Templar, group has been the easiest to define, murder, infiltration theft, all on the table for them, though they tend to focus on infiltrating groups with influence (both government and crime lord) and making sweeping changes and spreading propaganda, allowing them a great deal of control. Their direct actions will be the easiest to condemn, but I'm going to try and show a world falling apart (with the city/small country being at some sort of apex) and they'll have the plan and recourses to pull the world out of it.  Basically "the ends justify the means".

the assassins, willing to kill, and experts at spying and gathering Intel, but in theory a very strict rule to not harm innocent people (with the problem being whether or not some people qualify as innocent, for example, guards hired to protect a target, the guards are just doing their jobs, but their combatants protecting their main target, in this case the death of the guards would be acceptable but would prefer to be avoided).  They’re doing this for a pretty noble cause, to allow freedom and free thought among the population, letting humanity as a whole determine their future instead of an elite minority. I'm also toying with the idea of making them apathetic towards the plight of people around them, their only concern, is this one issue I think I may be able to justify this by showing that they don't like the actions they take, but resort to them solely for this big issue.  If these guys win very little in the world would change. 

The batman group, their actions are the most moral, never ever killing or using lethal weaponry. They do play fast and loose with stuff like breaking and entering and stealing, but only for investigation purposes (only stealing what appears to be evidence).  I also want to try to pull the futility of their efforts that I see happen in batman stories (they catch a criminal the criminal only escapes and causes more harm) I'm also thinking I might throw in a bit of escalation, that despite their attempt to do good, meaning that a continuation of their action may lead to all out war, and a nearly apocalyptic level of breakdown of society.

I need to balance these factions around a lot more, and ideally I would like them to more closely reflect each other, making them seems as though only one or two ideas in their core philosophies spawned the differences.  I also need to close the gap between the assassins and the batman's as I don't want a compromise of well "why don't we just kill the crime lords" to be a seemingly viable solution that I don't present.  I may end up giving the player that option, but putting the war outcome under it.

the hunger games

OK so another boring set of weeks for me, I'm still looking for a job and it will be a while before the fall semester at school starts up,  so my week as been fairly uneventful.  I did however get an audio copy of "the hunger games" for very cheap, and two things have come of this.  first is that it's a really good book and I'm enjoying it a lot more then I thought I would, second is that since it's an audio book, it's been really helping me stick to my workout routine, so I'll probably be looking into more audio books in the near future (I'm already past the halfway point on the book) and hopefully this will end up really helping me get in shape.

mass effect 3 and legends of the frost

OK as a close friend of mine already knows Mass effect 3 kinda dominated my week, despite finishing it around Tuesday.  before I go on I want to stress that it was easily the best game I've ever played, I cried at several points, no piece of fiction has affected me in the ways that ME3 did.  that being said you can't browse a gaming site without coming to my next complaint, the ending was a complete nonsensical dud lacking in any closure.  I'm not going to give out spoilers so I'll leave it at that but if you don't mind spoilers here's a very good article outlining it's problems http://www.gamefront.com/mass-effect-3-ending-hatred-5-reasons-the-fans-are-right/

now to something a bit happier, I'm a big fan of miracle of sounds songs and I just have to share his recent cooperation with malukah, I find it absolutely beautiful, it's inspired by the game skyrim but spoiler free as far as I can tell (haven't played the game).    

update

really need to get back to my substantial posts soon, but I've been having trouble finding the motivation lately,  also I should have put that I was going on vacation up here it's the main reason why I missed the last couple of weeks.

anyway I've graduated with my associates degree in information technology, and come fall I'll be starting up a bachelors program for computer science.  I also managed to get enough money for mass effect 3 (mostly due to a more generous tax return then I was expecting) which I've been enjoying so far.  also really going to enjoy seeing how commander Shepard story plays out.  although the day one DLC (which is important to the lore of the series) and being forced to install origin (EA's answer to steam, although it's still really far behind and I've encountered regular bugs, though none of them cause significant problems, mostly just odd) though personally I don't find these problems to be nearly as big as some people are making them out to be.

hair and comics

as some of you may remember from another recent post I was growing out my hair, it took a few years but as vain as it may sound I was really enjoying it. well that's gone now, had to get it cut for some job interviews, my hair is now very very short, and I'm finding it more frustrating then I was expecting. 

in other news i've been reading a lot of comics, most of which I got for my birthday, I may be the last nerd on earth to read it but finally read the long Halloween, I also have hush I'll get to, and the three ghost in the shell manga (1, 2, and 1.5) the movie ghost in the shell being one of my favorite movies so I'm really enjoying seeing their source material, even if so far (still reading) I prefer the movie, mostly because it seemed to do a good job of taking the best and most thought provoking scenes from the long book and putting it into one story.

wow been a few weeks

sorry for the absence, but I was in a literature class, has a result it was common for me to spend the entirety of one day reading for my homework and the next day writing,  put more time doing homework in a week with that class then a month in others, but my final was Thursday so unless a job I should be getting soon takes up a similar amount of time I should be moving back to a weekly schedule soon.