Monday, August 22, 2011

prepare for angry and ranty

I know I made a post on saturday, but this happened yesterday and I really need to get it off my chest.  I'll put it behind a cut so if you don't want to read it you don't need to see any part of it.

so my fucking ex tried to get a hold of me again, this is the only ex I've ever refereed to on this site and the person I was referring to in my loosing a friend.  i've began to see our relationship differently.  it's not an exaggeration to say that up until that point blamed myself completely for any problems between the two of us.  the way she told me to basically go away back then was the first time.  I'll be brief, but some highlights include, making me make promises I was clearly uncomfortable with, making her own promises just to find loopholes she could use to effectively break them and knock my self esteem down at the same time (done nearly daily) constantly asserting this idea of the kind of person I am, regardless of what that's doing to me and my well being.  making me feel ashamed of not being ready for certain stages of a relation ship (namely sex but that's not all). 

these things continued even after we had broken up.  and the less I saw her and interacted with her online the more I was able to start putting my life back together, and uphill battle with or without her yes, but doesn't change the fact that she was a significan't impedence to me. naturally i've tried expressing that I don't wish to comunicate with her anymore, and she has promised mutiple times now not to contact me.

yesterday being the thrid fucking time she makes that promise, and you know fuck her for thinking she still has the right to contact me like that, fuck her trying to emotinally black mail me the last couple of times into listening to her, fuck fuck fuck her for trying to talk about how much she's changed when her method for "apology" is to start off by trying to make me feel even worse about myself.

last time she got in contact with me I was almost out of sleeping pills I had kept handy, I was kinda proud of that fact since downing the bottle is a frequent thought of mine, but dealing with her tends to mean I need them to get to sleep for a few days so now I have a new fucking bottle, and I'm back to researching ways to take a fatal dose without throwing up.  fuck the fact that I had to leave school early today because without constant distractions this fucking thing had me ready to break down in tears.


  1. oh my gosh....sweeetie that is terrible. Hopefully your ex gets the message. Did you need someone to yell at them? Cause I mean I don't like seeing my friends suffer that way. if you need to vent feel free I'm online a lot

  2. ;0( my heart goes out to you. I know how it feels trying to appease someone who used to mean the world to you. When your heart is so big that you constantly put others before yourself, giving until there's nothing left. I hope you find someone who likes to give more then they like to take.