idaho laws

rant latter, for now I'm to angry about about this news.

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/2010/06/26/you-make-me-feel-like-an-unnatural-woman/comment-page-1/#comment-18013

short version, certain politicians want to make it illegal for a transsexual (trans man or trans woman) to marry anybody.

a romance rant

 I didn't know what I would write about this week, but just know I got back from reading the latest blog entry on lady alexia's blog the ups and downs of life as is typically the case with her blog posts I can relate to a lot of what she's saying the way you can always feel depression in the back even when your in a "good mood" even some of the ways her father can make her feel worse when not trying. but what really prompted this post was how she ended it. I really don't believe a beautiful soul like her's is destined to die alone as she seems to believe.  I wanted to post a comment but I have two problems, one is that I don't think I can do it without it sounding like the pre-packaged re-assurance which isn't bad but isn't often that helpful, and two doing so would probably make me something of a hypocrite, since after my last relationship I've felt the same way about myself.  my last girlfriend also seemed to love me no matter what I did, in my case the problem was that she didn't seem to see the real me, showing she didn't know how I was feeling to turn around and say she knew me well enough to know when something was wrong. in my case when I realized that I tried to be the girl she believed I was , but it was too taxing for me, and even when I hit my lowest were I could barely managed to speak she seemed to stay by me.  it was this that helped me realize a few things, one despite the ease of my position I was still finding the relationship emotionally draining to the point were I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up forever, and two if I couldn't stay in a relationship with a woman who was already somehow convinced that she was in love with me I obviously didn't have a chance at sustaining a real one.

Ok I kinda went off on a tangent there, has I tend to do on my blog. but that's kinda how I came to my conclusions about my own love life in the future. which is one of the reasons I didn't comment on Alexia's blog, also one of the reasons why I really wanted to, I know how lonely that thought process can get sometimes. but she has such a beautiful mind and soul that I don't believe it can possibly apply to her, so if anybody out there is better at being supportive please please post something on her blog

story elements

some time ago I was trying to break down the kind of thing I like in a story. part of the reason was so that I could easily find new stories and another was to help my own stories. when I got to one aspect I kept trying to descrbe it to myself. it just kept seeming to depressing "I like stories were the heros are poor and down, wait no that sounds bad" I had a few more but they went along the same lines of sounding like they were incredibly depressing.

however after thinking a little bit more on why I liked them I came accross the first time were I could describe it better in few words than the descriptions I was trying. "I like stories that emphasis hope" and that's the reason why intially they sounded so depressing, if the hero's aren't down hope may be present but it won't be the focus. I also think that's one of the reasons why despite the bad reviews I retain my intrest in mirrors edge. that game depicts a world were the opressive goverment has allready taken over but the runners in an act of defiance still run packages to varios targets, I haven't played the game myself but such a small orginization that information and packages are aabout all they can muster but they continue the fight, seems perfect for the kind of story were hope plays a major role. the main charecter is even named faith 

so just like at the end of my cyber punk post if anybody can think of a few stories were this element is emphasized I would appreciate it, and hopefully I'll actually have a new post by this Sunday.

sex

OK I honestly don't know how to get into this, so in my typical fashion I'm just going to akwardly jump into it but a fair warning while I'll try to avoid graphic descriptions the subject matter will ensure that some adult language is used.

I wish I didn't have a sex drive. I know this will sound weird to a lot of people, especially since I have those adult content links on my own blog, but I doubt any one would describe my relationship with sex as healthy. for the record I'm a virgin, unless your one of those extreme types that counts masturbation has losing virginity.

the funny thing is while i'll admit I masturbate fairly regularly I don't 'enjoy' it by any means, I've just learned that if I don't I reach a point were i'll be inexplicably stressed out, iratible and even my body will be tenser, so the matter of when I do it is usually set to when it would be most convinent to take a shower afterward. you see I treet it almost like a pill or an injection, unpleasent but bearable while being better than going without it, I do it then move on and do my best to put it out of my head.

then there also the fact that my sex drive caused a lot of confusion about my sexual identity when I hit puberty. like many other transexuals once that point hit it took a while before I could sort the diffrence between the sexual aspects of it and well the rest of it.

plus not to mention that the body image issues that come with sex and being a transsexual is undoubtedly a major reason why my last (and to date most significant) relationship

I know that was fairly incoherent and unorganized and I thank you if you managed to sit through it, it was just some stuff I needed to get off of my chest.