100

so this Monday is going to be my 26th birthday, and this also happens to be my 100th post on this blog.  as such I'm feeling a bit reflective but I'm also a bit low on energy so here's the cliff notes of what's been going on in my life, and in my head.

since my last post I've actually been doing really good for the most part.  I had a lot of energy and was feeling pretty good, I didn't make any progress on anything for my blog but I did a lot of work on code academy(a website that teaches programming languages), even started a book called the game makers apprentice that teaches you how to use game maker (software that lets you make games, designed to be easy for individuals or small groups), and I was doing a lot of reading.  I know that last one sounds weird but I can roughly gauge my mood by my leisure activities, as much as I love reading, it seems difficult for me to get the energy to do it, and when I get really bad I start to just watch movies or TV shows and little else to relax,  though normally I spend my time in a state were my preferred activity is video games. And then for some reason my energy just rapidly dropped, I'm not entirely sure why but I have been experimenting with an over the counter depression med (st. johnsons wort) I was originally on pretty high dosage (2 pills three times a day)  and I tried to cut down to twice a day.  while it could be a coincidence(since my depression has it's ups and downs) I think I'll be sticking with the really high dosage from now on.

on another note i've been reflecting on my blog.  I started it a little over three years ago, and it's a bit surprising what has changed,  I've learned a great deal about how my depression works. I've managed to get back into school for programming. and even though it's been a slow process I do feel I've made significant progress in clearing up a lot of my emotional baggage. heck I managed to go from thinking I needed repay my x for all the pain I caused her to realizing that, no I don't have to and it was really fucked up of her to shame me every night for not being ready for sex.  has a result I've finally managed to distance myself from her though I still contemplate deleting my account at the haven and changing my YIM ID just so there's no way left for her harass me again.

also I've watched this trailer about a million times in the last week.  the game is a long way away from release but I'm looking forward to it.(if your not famliar with cyberpunk 2020 and you want to watch the video open it on youtube and read the description first.  the trailer needs a lot of insider info to understand but the description does a pretty good job telling you what you need to know). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P99qJGrPNLs

two weeks in a row

ok so school is gearing up for finals so I've basically hit the calm before the storm, finally finished with group projects but still ahead of the actual tests. so while I have a bit of free time I spent it doing coding tutorials to prepare for next semester, but I figred I could still talk about a few posts I hope to have up here soon (soon being used rather loosley.

first up, remember my hope to do a deep analysis of the legend of zelda ocarina of time well after playing the game I started looking into what others have said about it, and frankly felt a bit intimidated as it was a very deeply talked about subject, so I kinda shy'd away from it for bit too long and would now basically doing it from scratch if I tried to write it up, so I've modified my idea a bit.  I'll still be attempting deep analysis but I won't be looking at other peoples stuff, I'll be shooting for a smaller format though still trying to do some real analysis. and otherwise will have more in common with a lot of reviews, as such I'll my first attempt will be a different game (aka something I finish around the time I have the energy to write it up), though I am considering doing a couple of very basic write up's for games I haven't played in a long time, mostly just to help me narrow down the format(top candidates for this are persona 4 and legend of Zelda majora's mask).

the other idea, quite possibly the first time i've thought about talking about clothes on this blog (take that sterotypes) not sure if much will come from it since talking about clothes or fashion tends to bore me after a while.  but there are a few things about charm bracelets and buttons that have been bouncing around in my head and kinda feel like sharing.

if any of this sounds interesting to any of you feel free to speak up and I'll give it priority, otherwise this is stuff I hope to have up soon but can't make any promises.

been in a bit of a bad headspace lately

I can tell it's bad when I start making excuses for why I should have stayed in my last relationship. note I'm not saying why it wasn't bad or I should try getting back with my ex, not how things could have worked out with a few changes, but why I should have stayed in it.  that may sound mostly but suffice it to say I started that relationship when I was at a confusing and very low part of my life, and the way my ex treated me managed to drive me a lot lower.  it's not entirely her fault like I said I was already pretty low and thus didn't have the energy to stand up to her or challenge her per-conceived notions of me, but then a blog post I made (not this blog) were I was confused, nervous, scared, and desperately reaching out for help was what started our friendship, and the romantic relationship was kicked off a very short time later, so if she were concerned about me she should have easily realized the vulnerable position I was in. yet as bad as it was two things keep making me think I should have stuck with it, one is how much I emphasis I place on relationships being necessary to be happy, and at times I get the impression my last relationship was basically my only chance to have such a relationship.

lim

ok first off, for as long as school's in session I think I'll say that my attempt of a "weekly" schedual is gone, school kinda has to come first, and when my school work is done I don't usually have a lot of will or energy left for any kind of writing.  I'm not abandoning the blog, but it may be more of a monthly thing till a break hits, sorry.

next up is a little flash game it's really really short and takes no time to load.  there is a glitch were the player or one of the other blocks will pass through the wall, but play it.  the game as a really powerful metaphor that brings to life something I've had a lot of trouble expressing myself.

http://mkopas.net/files/Lim


also I'm now on google plus. not sure if anything will come of it, but I figured it was worth a shot,  name there is Cindy F and my email is venatuscindy[at]gmail[dot]com (sorry but I'm trying to avoid spam bots).  even though I don't write here often if you send me a message on google plus or an email I'll probably get back to you fairly quickly, so it's a great place to go if you have any questions.

wow, a month

ok I know I say this a lot but sorry it's been so long my energy has been kinda sapped my dwindling reserve, when I can muster something it's generally gone to school.

I'll be starting school tomorrow but it looks like there was a delay in my transcripts being processed so none of my pre-requisets got registered in time for me to get into the classes I needed, so first semester is something of a wash filled with classes just to keep me enrolled, I'm really disapointed that it turned out this way, but at least it keeps me on the path to get out of this state and into a situation were I can get hormones.

hopefully I'll be back to regular posting soon, but lately I've been using caffeine to stay functional and combat the energy drain with depression.  as a result I now have a caffeine dependance (not the first time) and I'm still battling the normal depression so I'll try to post but I have no idea what my energy levels will be.

job, steam sale, and college

ok been a lot longer then I thought it would be, my new job as a chaotic schedule,  liking the job so far, it's just I don't know if I'll be working weekends till about thursday, and at any point I can be asked not to come in the next day (not fired, I'm a software tester, sometimes the programmers are running behind and testing slows while they catch up).

I've also been trying to get back to school so I can get a bachleors (4-year) degree.  due to some of my history it's been difficult and I have an interview coming up this week, don't know what to expect and even if it goes well it's no gurantee.

last is the steam sale, wow I have sunk a fair amount of money into games thanks to this, fortunately all the games have been cheap compared their normal prices, and most have been under 5 bucks, so should keep me entertained for a while to come.

started a new job

it's only temporary but I've also been working this weekend, so I haven't had much time or energy to write up my blog post this week, although for once I do have stuff to talk about, and not just the job.  next week I hope to be talking a bit about the new mass effect 3 ending, not the specific details but rather just the emotional impact that a piece of fiction and I feel mass effect will be a great time for that fiction can have, and for a number of reasons (many having to do with me personally) I feel it will make a very good example though I do plan on keeping it spoiler free.