and the hormones are in

so from this point it's all about keeping them secret and trying to keep a steady supply of them

big step

earlier today I took a big step, and ordered some hormones online.  I'm still financially dependent on people who would freak if they found out, but even my best weeks were just when I could get through a week without contemplating suicide, and most weeks I just turn into a big ball of stress trying to figure out how much homework I can do without breaking down.

I have no idea how this choice will turn out, but I just can't keep going on with transition being something for "when I'm in a better position" I need to start taking real tangible solid steps now. this is something that's hard to explain, but basically I'm reaching some sort of breaking point,  and something has to happen, and has bad as this may be in the long run, it's the only path I can see that may lead to something positive.