burden

I've been trying to compose some of my more intamate thoughts down into a more coherent narative, unfortunantly I haven't really been sucsessful in that but here's here's a breif sum up


am I a burden?

sorry I can't give as much detail as I'd like but that question, tends to be the ultimate question that pops up during the worst of my depressive phase and ultimately I can't stand the thought that the answer may be yes, that to all the people in my life and everyone I care about that I am somehow a burden to them, financially emotionally, etc etc.  the thought that I might be taking more happiness out of there lives then I'm adding is frankly too much for me to handle.  I already learned that was the case during my last romantic relationship and since I doubt I could do any better is the reason why I gave up on such relationships.

updates are coming

just when I think I might be out of my motivational slump it seems to come up again, but this time I promise you I'll have at least one update by the end of the week, other then this one of course, I'm actually working on two, and just to give you a heads up, one of them is fairly self indulgent, I've learned in the past that sometimes putting the negative thought that flair up during my depression on paper (or computer file) and trying to properly compose them can help, and if for no other reason that to give those interested a better look into my thoughts (kind of what I promised with the title of the blog).  the second should be much more interesting, I'm not sure how successful it will be but i'm hoping to take a close look at the deeper meanings that attract people to certain types of fiction, just to give a few brief examples I plan on talking more about how cyber punk offers a freedom of the mind that I'm attracted to, as well as how some people found hope for the future in the original star trek and i've heard people say that super hero comics give the sense of the strength of the human sole

feeling down

sorry for the lack of updates, been feeling down, I know most of you are probably tired of hearing about this but my depression is flaring up again, so every time I try to get the energy to do something more involving than video games my enthusiasm just dies down, I know that probably doesn't make since to a lot of people. but when my depression flares up it really does take away my motivation to do anything, even things I really want to do and enjoy doing, I've slowly started up a number of small creative projects, no idea how many will stick but I hope it will help me pull out of this, and among the projects is trying to get my blog up and running again.

An in-depth look at gaming habits from an odd perspective.

A young woman walks in front of the crowd of people, if someone were to take a very short look they would assume her to be in her mid twenties, however any one taking a glance at more than just the figure beneath the lab coat would see things differently, mainly her pale blue skin and small antennae coming out of her head. "good evening everyone I am Dr. Farallon, as you all know I've been conducting an in-depth study of the human species and peculiar behaviors of theirs, particularly odd habits concerning their forms of entertainment, today I will be detailing several habits in a hobby called gaming, now the interesting thing to keep in mind is that all of these seem to be universally despised yet almost every gamer falls into at least one of them regularly"

"First up is I might need it later syndrome. This seems to be most common in the first person shooter genre, but can be observed in any game were offensive abilities is depleted with use and must be gathered on the field. Primary symptoms ate using the weakest offensive abilities availed while fighting off large and/or hordes of creatures, usually prompted by the fear of worse enemies coming. To borrow a description from an internet celebrity 'so we have scenarios were players are sitting on a nuclear stock pile that would shame north Korea and are throwing peas at a giant robot crab on the off chance there's a bigger robot crab just around the corner' it's best to cross reference this with the next subject

Stocking, this habit like the previous one involves building up a large cache of powerful offensive or defensive ability, the primacy difference however is that this one is about actively building the stock pile in preparation for a fight, were this starts becoming a negative quality though is that it usually involves replaying previously beaten missions or going back to easy sections of the game in order to maximize the amount gained and minimizing the amount of recourses spent

Grinding. This habit is mostly scene in RPG or RPG like games, it is a very close cousin to stocking, in that it requires replaying previously played sections and minimizing the use of recourses, but is different mainly in the fact that it is usually done to 'level up' aka increase the base of abilities of the character.

next week, something entertaining (hopefully)

ok today I was hoping to have a somewhat entertaining post on some gaming habits I've observed (including in myself) but I keep getting new ideas for it so I'm no were near being ready to post it, admittedly dragon age isn't helping either. so I'll work on it over the weekend I promise you I'll have something nice next week in the mean time if any of you have any gaming behaviors you'd like to submit feel encourage the more the better, and I'll probably use every one I can find. and just as an example of what I'm looking for the examples I have not using your best abilities due to worrying something worse might be coming up, grinding, stock piling weapons, needing to grab every little item before you can continue the main story. 

christmas/quite

first off, I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Christmas, and I hope all of you are doing well

second is that I'd like to apologize for being so quite for the last couple of weeks, I wish I could say I've been busy but as odd as it sounds the problems nearly the oppisite of being busy I've had some time off work, and while not as bad as it was a few weeks ago I still seem to be in my depressions cycle, so I've been spending most of my time marred in escapisim, bad I know, I learned a while ago it's just "self medicating" but it's really is one of the few things that keeps the depressive thoguths from taking root when I'm not on the meds for it.

any way to make a long story short (and significantly less whiny) now that I'm going back to my normal work routine I should be back to the update schedule I've had

Twitter

this may seem odd to you but I finally broke down and signed up for twitter, I have no idea how often I'll update it since I mostly signed up to follow flecia day (codex from the guild) but you might see a few random thoughts, after all since it only allows 140 charecters it seems perfect for something that crosses my mind but doens't feel blog worthy