Twitter

this may seem odd to you but I finally broke down and signed up for twitter, I have no idea how often I'll update it since I mostly signed up to follow flecia day (codex from the guild) but you might see a few random thoughts, after all since it only allows 140 charecters it seems perfect for something that crosses my mind but doens't feel blog worthy

Links highlight: there will be brawl

this has been one of my favorite web-series for a majority of the year, it only been updating once a month but it's well worth the wait, they have amazing scripting acting and the costumes are incredible plus they have just about every character from super-smash brothers brawl. be warned though the charecter have little in common with there video game counterparts, the story the writers have constructed a very dark story, involving a city that is tearing itself apart as crimlords are involved in a bloody territory war.  I know that so far I may not be doing a good job of selling this show but that's mostly since I don't want to give up the surprises it has, but I still encourage you to check it out, they have nine episodes has of this post plus some filler, the series finale should also be posted soon (in fact that one is running behind, it should have been up yesterday) so you'll be able to enjoy the whole story at pretty much your own pace)

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/there-will-be-brawl

depression

ok just thought I'd give my small group of readers a head up. for those that don't know, I have depression, diagnosed and previously medicated (an knowingly I should get that prescription renewed) , I cant' say how it works for everybody but mine goes in cycles, and as the evidence of my previous post and my one on love, I'm kinda moving into a pretty big low at the moment, the chance to express myself was part of the reason why I made this blog, but I don't want this to be come the kind of thing that live journal was made a joke for, until I'm out of this I'll try my best to keep the Saturday updates fairly light hear ted, but unfortunate i can't speak for any others I might make.

Characters

I'll warn you ahead of time, I have no idea were I'm going with this posts, just one of those things I felt the need to get out but didn't know the best way how

So a little earlier today I got in a brief discussion about RP characters that are a lot like the player, or specifically characters that are the person the player thinks of as the real them. The person I was talking to has a character like that she regularly uses, I had one that I've used in one RP. And while I'll admit I learned a lot about myself from that RP (one of her arguments why I should bring her back) but well to be blunt, I have something of an epilogue for that RP that ended very happily to her, and when I started thinking about it, I honestly think that's the closest I'll ever get, so despite the benefits of learning about myself, I can't really stand the thought of pulling her out of that.

I think I’m a fangirl (please read that in weird al’s “I think I’m a clone now” tone)

Alright my mom surprised me by popping in last night and having car trouble, so this blog post is already a little later than normal and I don't have

 

Now this was something I've had on my mind for a while, even before I was thinking of myself has a woman. But when it comes to fiction I enjoy, particularly anime I have, the fan tendency's of a stereotypical fangirl with the exception that I don't shove my fandom in other people's faces, well that much. Many of my friends know I'll be obsessed with the legend of Zelda and link once I get the latest iteration (Jaime be warned I'm likely to get one for Christmas) and a large part of it is my rabid obsession about link as a character, who is just above L from death note in my absolute favorite fictional characters of all time). Also at the risk of embarrassing myself, I'll admit I've thought about ending up with kenshin from rouni kenshin on more than one occasion.

You take all those three together and you could probably make an airtight argument that I am indeed a fangirl, especially if you've seen me in one of my more obsessive bouts, and while I'm no longer bothered by this, I still find it fairly odd what do you all think, am I really just a soft spoken fangirl or am I probably

STORIES

Well my normal end of the day chit chat seems to be gone, so I'm left to talk with myself, which now that I have this lovely blog to post two means you get a few more snippets of what's inside my head.

I like to "imagine" short stories, I always intend to write these down and I believe some have reasonable potential to be entertaining for a few people, but usually I lack the motivation, for the last few years one of the recouping themes in these stories were character that started off in various stages of self denial and over the course of the story, were forced to confront their inner demons and as they learn to accept those accept of themselves they eventually become more at peace with themselves and grow stronger (what can I say the fiction I imagine tends to involve a lot of actual fights). for those of you about to point out some parallels between the struggle of my characters and some of the struggle outlined in my post titled "repost" yes, as a matter of fact most of my characters seem to go through metaphorical struggles that mimic my own in a few instances before I even realized it myself. Now while I knew I wasn't the first person to do stories like that I didn't know of any main stream media examples that really fit that description, so I felt it was a somewhat new and "fresh" concept. Then I played persona 4, which was a fantastic game and handled that theme fare better than I ever could have hoped to, as well as found a better way to fit it into the narrative.

Of course I know I shouldn't feel threatened that a professional entertainment group handled a fairly broad theme better than I think I could have. But now that I'm hoping to actually complete a cyberpunk story I started writing last month I can't help but feel that it too may end up as a weak copy of something else popular that already out.

LOVE

I don't' know why but I've been thinking a lot about this lately, maybe it's the season finale of monk that aired yesterday or maybe it's the fact that my last relationship started January about two years ago

either way it seems pretty odd since I had thought I did a good job of getting that stuff out of my head quite a while back, when it seemed clear that I wasn't really fit for a relationship like that, I'll admit every once in a while I'd like to fantasize about it but for the most part remembering how bad I was in my last relationship ultimately led such fantasize into depression

I think I've always had a bit of a co-dependent/over romanticized ideal of love. Even long before I realized what I was (transsexual just to be clear) I would actually devote a good portion of my time fantasizing about the kind of person I'd end up with and about my wedding (though the second one might be more the fact it was one of the few fantasies were I permitted myself to play the girl role. So maybe no matter how hard I try these thoughts are just too much a part of who I am

robots will rule

well thanks to my wonder friend Jennifer (see previous post for her blog) I should have a pretty new design this weekend along with at least one big post.  in the mean time I've just been handind the responsibility of doing an AI goes nuts type story in a super powered RP, the RP I'm doing it for as been a bit slow so I plan on taking my time to be sure to give everything plenty of charecterization, so naturally I've started looking for ideas.  I barely remember the orginal ghost in the shell movie and it has a few good ideas that I might throw in but I want my killer AI to be more of a bad guy than the one in that turned out to be. which leads me to eagle eye and terminator,  eagle eye has a lot of potential and I'll be sure to use but skynet in terminator is never really explanied (I'll admit I havent' seen the latest yet) just that it kinda took over. then there's the matrix, which if you haven't' seen the animatrix could fit into the unexplained portion to, but with the animatrix, well I'll be blunt I don't have a few hundred years of game time to develop the AI's motivation



off the top of my head those are the most promenint examples I can think of I aslo decided to read through I have no mouth and must scream http://www.surfturk.com/endoftheworld/ihavenomouth.html I don't know much about it but being a horror story that focus on (I think) 5 humans being torchered by an AI that's gone nuts it should have a few ideas, but how about you my two or two and silent readers, any advice you can give on this or any otherwise of fiction you can point me to for ideas?

links highlight: jennifers TG caps of defiance

well I just got home from a lovely thanksgiving so I have less time to make this blog than most of the ones I do on the weekend, and I want to do my best to post a blog at least once every Saturday, I'd figure I'd start off with what will probably be a reoccurring feature were I go through the links I have posted and highlight some of my favorites, now the link I am highlighting is run by some one who probably accounts for 50% of my readership I might have to come back to it later but for now

http://jenniferstgcaps.blogspot.com/?zx=969c747ed2d40d3a

this is a blog devoted to TG caps and as you might gather from the title most of the caps are about forced transformations, and in my opinion some of the web but I'll admit that it's a pretty subjective term at that point, since some people don't like forced transformations, but if you do and you dont' mind adult content check it out.

now like all of my adult content links I don't comment there as much I have a touch and go relation ship with my sexuality and my sex drive, but that's a subject for another blog, in the meantime just take it on faith that even if I don't comment on the adult content sites much I still love them.

Isabelle

Ok once again a bit of a repost. in this case it's a character I made to be used in RP's, I really ended up liking her, she was primarily made as a way for me to play the dominate character in transformation RP's without having to go down into aggressive or downright evil characters I have difficulty connecting with.  I start off her original profile, then a few things about how I play her, and then I'll end with a bit of a joke based off of what I had to deal with at work today



Name: Isabelle

Age: approximately 1300 years

Appearance: she appears to be in her early 20's and has long dark hair and green eyes,   she's a little short for the age she appears but not enough that anyone would describe her has short, otherwise she has a good but modest figure, and while she may appear wearing any number of outfits she likes to make her first impressions wearing a knee length skirt and a black tank top with a purple butterfly pattern across it.

Bio: Isabelle isn't her real name just the most recent one she's adopted,  she tries not to change her name too often but from time to time she feels it necessary to adopt a common name for the world she's in. 

She originally started learning magic when she really was 20, back then she had not aspirations of becoming someone powerful her only goal was to try to learn a few spells to try and protect her first husband (she's lived 1300 years and has had about 6 significant others in that time) but her natural talent and the fact that she wasn't significantly changing the world around her disturb fate caused her to be joined with one of the natural pools magic in the world, which not only increased her abilities but is also responsible for her life span.

She's since interpreted that has an act of fate and as such spends most of her life trying to figure out what purpose she's suppose to fulfill, currently she lives in a big mason which is hidden deep in a forest (which forest is prone to change) and surrounds it with statues, each statue depicts a previous visitor to her place and they include plaques at the base



Characteristics: Isabelle's mansion is hidden from all technical means but she's woven hints into the threads of magic in the world so that anyone in this day and age that pokes into the hidden magical world can eventually find their way to her

Isabelle has incredible power, but mostly uses it to help out people who come to her mansion.  People who find the place on purpose and weren't motivated by greed will find her incredible helpful and always willing. Those who find the place by accident have a much more mixed experience, while she tries as gentle and caring as she can in those scenarios she interprets their visits as acts of fate and will try to figure out why fate would bring the visitor to her, and usually her interpretations go along the way of them needing to expand their horizons or understanding in a way only she could provide. She doesn't inherently know what brought someone to her place (she's capable but in general avoids that kind of magic considering it an invasion of privacy.  And has such will usually directly ask a visitor what brings them there, though she'll often try to make the question seem mysterious, one method she's used a few times is to appear directly behind the visitor when the knock the door and state "welcome visitor what brings you to the place that few seek and fewer find"



play styles: she generally wont' say who she is unless her visitor was seeking magic, but after she's transformed them she'll open up, her guest room is predominately pink while her room is powder blue.  there's also a room next to the guest room with statues of her significant others,  the door is never locked, secretly she's always hoping her guest will find it hoping it will honor there memory.  and while I haven't' always been successful in this I try to use it as an opportunity to show her being more venerable than normal, after all let's face it, she's nearly omnipotent as is.

And now for a joke. The line from the caller is exactly what they said, my response is what I wish I could have said the only context you need to understand is that I had to send the info about his problem up to another group that would be able to help him, and I had already told him they'll call back.




Caller: "well do to the shortened week it would be great if they could call so… you know what I'm saying"

Me: "Sir if I knew what you were saying I'd be making millions has a physic

repost

OK being a little lazy on this one, this is a year old re-post of one of my more intense blogs I posted on Rachel's haven, feel free to comment or ask me about anything you think will help you out,  but for the record most of what I bring up I'm still dealing with in one form or another and just bringing it up in the form of "that's long gone now right" will only dredge up the negative feelings associated with it.
and most of all I promise I'll have something more light hearted tomorrow

 

OK, First off I know that nobody here is a medical professional or a therapist but I’m trying to find one in some form but so far I’ve been unsuccessful but right now I could really use some advice even though I hate to bother all of you like this, especially since I’m sure this may be hard to make sense of sometimes, it was fairly difficult to write but even harder to sift through it looking for grammar errors, if any body needs anything cleared up or spots an error tell me I’ll fix it or explain it the best I can as soon as I can.

Further more I’d like to apologize I imagine that this is going to be fairly wordy and long with several parts that were awkward to write and I imagine even worse to read but I didn’t want to leave out anything that might be relevant.

(this part was written after I finish the rest of the blog, I think the time I spent thinking through everything and putting it all down in one place made the things that never quite fit the pattern seem a lot smaller, though I would still appreciate any advice anybody would be willing to give)

   Alright first off I don’t know how old I was but in some of my earliest childhood memories I can remember fantasies about becoming a woman. I can’t remember them too well but admitting they were fairly childish, there were two large themes among all my fantasies. One was being changed into a girl and becoming popular at school, the other was more about becoming a bride. These fantasies mostly happened when I was trying to go to sleep, a part of the day were I would let my mind fly to wherever it wanted to go.  Outside of the fantasies I do remember on several occasions just wishing to be a girl, it never took the form of prayer or on a star but it was there,  however I also remember justifying all this as mere curiosity. My memories from that part of my life are hazy at best so it’s hard to say how much of that is truth, or how much is me fooling myself to try to fit my own deep seated religious beliefs or because I knew right from the get go that my family wouldn’t look to kindly at it.

   Puberty came late for me, but wasn’t as traumatic as in most of what I read for transsexual people, for the most part it only carried the annoyance of pimples the thing between my legs seeming to grow a mind of it’s own.  There was also the fact that I was no longer made fun of for my voice (when I say late I mean the summer between eight and ninth grade, yeah it didn’t hit until basically high school).  During high school my religious conviction was at a high point, looking back I realize I repressed many parts of my own psyche in order to best conform to what the Ideal LDS male should be ( I never hit it of course but it was the prime motivator in how I acted).  Naturally a lot happened to me in high school but the I don’t know how much would be relevant but here’s what comes to mind I joined choir and for the most part enjoyed it, but I was constantly envious of that wonderful singing voice that a lot of the woman had, looking back at it we had several great male singers but I never cared much to sound like them.  The other thing occurred when I got a copy of never winter nights gold, there were probably similar instances but right now this is the only one that comes to mind, there was a picture of an elf girl wielding two swords and I remember looking at it trying to resist the temptation to make a character like that, in the end the first character I made was male, but I made two female characters after that and justified it with the thought that it was to see how differently the game treated woman.

Patterns like that continued until around when I turned 18, I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say that around the time when I turned eighteen I started exploring my religious philosophies, and once I changed to something more open I began to explore many other aspects of myself, I didn’t consider anything really strange at that point the change in religion really involved something of a preliminary shredding of identity in the first place.  It wasn’t until this point in my life that I started to explore the TG aspects of myself with anything resembling an open mind, though in retrospect I know full well that it was still far from one (like many people on this site I tried to purge myself of all my TG interest a few times and on top of that I’m fairly certain that I wasn’t open to myself about it when I thought I was).  Naturally my first recourse for exploring myself was the internet, the first thing I found were transvestite sites that were more fetish oriented, for a brief amount of time I thought this was enough but I was always looking for more, the role-play boards on this site being the only thing I’ve settled on for this long. Sometime in between finding this site and my initial discovery of the sexual based sites I got the idea to choose a female name, honestly I can’t remember exactly were it came from but I’ll admit I know I got it from somewhere, it took me a while to come up with one cause I didn’t want to pick one that I associated with somebody else which ruled out most of the names I could think of,  but one night I remember settling on the name Cindy, I remember the moment fairly clearly, though it is hard to explain, there was a small physical tingle that went through my body the moment I mentally proclaimed that my name was Cindy.

   Shortly after I wrote my last blog (I accidentally deleted it when I was getting ready to post this, it was on December 2 and it was little more than me venting my frustration) I was growing frustrated with the fact that I could never express this large side of myself out side of fantasy, I had tried to work up the courage to take any step before but I was always falling short and chickening out. In this particular case I decide that I had to find something, anything, and if I couldn’t even do that most simple of task then what’s the point of even trying any of it any more, as a result I shaved my legs in the evening.  I spent some time in my room reviling in them smooth and soft.  The problem came the next day, it’s winter time here and that frequently means snow, so there was almost no chance of being discovered but still I walked around with them all day able to feel them, I was feeling constantly ashamed of them as well as embarrassed, I’m not proud to admit it but at that point I had planed out my suicide, fortunately I had a very good friend that managed to talk me down and cheer me up even though she never knew that I was actually considering sluiced at the time, I also believe she is one of the very few reasons why I fell it’s finally safe to explore myself now as she is the first person that I have ever had the feeling that I’ll be accepted no matter who I turn out to be.

OK now I didn’t know were to put this and I have no idea of it’s relevance but the incident I just talked about wasn’t the first time suicide had been on the table, just the first time it had been directly connected to anything TG, it’s been on and off my mind for many years now, usually clinging to any number of things, including curiosity as to what would happen after, the only reason why I bring it up at all is that with that one exception I notice that it comes up significantly less the more open with myself I am.

   This next part is the one that I feel awkward about writing and I’m not sure were else to put it either.  One thing I’ve read about a lot of people who end up going through transition is how much a lot of them hate the, parts, that they were born with.  I myself never had a down right hatred or disgust for it, but I certainly never liked it. Usually my feelings about it vary between non-caring and very annoyed at what it does, even when what I’m thinking about doesn’t even have even the slightest of erotic undertones.  There are a few scenes in the role-plays that have yielded a response from it, the types of one that come to mind the most are ones like in the magical school RP were my character Cindy is with her boyfriend who is typically holding her and promising to keep her safe, or like a date scene in the super hero’s RP were my characters boyfriend would but his arm around her and won her a prize at the carnival.  For the record I have used it for, self satisfying but overall I find it unfulfilling and a bit more bothersome than is worth it, though I noticed I still do it when something in life is stressing me out.

   That’s all I can think about at this point, if you have any questions feel free to ask, no matter how personal they may seem if they can help me figure myself out I will gladly answer it to the best of my ability.

ghost in the shell

OK first things first, anyone actually checking out this site be sure to check out my expanding links section I spend a lot of rime online so I'm sure to keep adding to that regularly for a little while.
second I know there's no way I'm going to be able to keep up daily updates for very long.

so not having a better idea of how to transition i'll just say I've been watching a lot of ghost in the shell stand alone complex lately. it's an anime with a cyber punk setting, it takes place in an alternate universe from the first two ghost in the shell movies (same settings but those events didn't take place), and it's all based off of the original manga, though I have no idea how closely based or which one follows closer.

the story folows a group known as section nine, who primarily seem to be the "eleite police force" kind of unit common in fiction, though I can't be sure since they seem pretty lax with what would nomrally be strict police procedure. with the exception of two members the active members of the squad are all effectively cyborgs. the group is led by major kusanagi (the one in the picture) and chief aramaki. the major is the one that feels like the leader through out most of the series, the chief being more of the kind of leader that's at the police station and pulling strings in the political department. so far I'd have to say that major kusanagi and batou are my favorite characters with the major making a solid run towards being among my favorite fictional characters, though cyborgs always have an advantage in that department she's a good charecter. she's a very strong a good leader, that typically as high understanding of the situation around her, even though a few surprises pop up frequently (inevitable in a world were a battle equipped robot can look perfectly human until it attacks). And most of all she manages to pull that off without falling into the "I'm a badass bitch who resents everyone else" or the "I'm so overcompensation famine in my off time" that seems to be the only way that most big productions can pull of strong female characters now a days. overall I'd highly recomend this to any one who enjoys cyberpunk fiction

one more awkward transition later.

now to over analyze my interest in cyber punk in general. I must admit I have very little experience directly with this genre, which is more than a little surprising because even playing make believe in early grade school most of my characters came off as cyborgs or the like, so it seems like a natural fit. maybe it's just the fact that I didn't know it had it's own name until recently and if not searching for it by that name actual cyberpunk fiction seems to be pretty rare
but what I have seen I truly enjoy, and usually for more than just my normal escapist fiction. and I can think of a few reasons. one is the freedom of the body that seems to be the undertone of such fiction. in the case of ghost in the shell it's strongly implied if not down right stated that most members of section 9 have entirely synthetic bodies with only there brains still being human and even those have some augmentation, and being able to jump into the internet, no matter what names it's given, with an avatar of your choice. this sort of freedom of the mind is a wonderful concept to me allowing the characters to experience the world as they wish. another is the inevitable examination on life and human nature, that seems to come with it, ghost in the shell doesn't' dwell on it too long but there is an episode were they present the idea of what qualifies as life when you have humans that are mostly machines and computer programs that very closely mimic real human intelligence.

well as long as it is I thought I'd have a few more ideas for my analyzing of me and cyberpunk but I seem to have pretty much run dry at the moment . so what are your thoughts. any one else here enjoy cyberpunk and have a few ideas why, or maybe just a few titles you'd recommend.

a little about me

I figured I'd make a post of some basic information about who I am before I started delving into some of the topics I'm likely to get to

first off the title I threw it together before I changed my mind about this blog, and it is some what accurate. I consider myself to be a woman, though admittedly my body currently contradicts that fact, I haven't yet started trying to correct that, I plan to some day but there are a few obstetrical in my way that I'm working on getting through.

I'm a fantasy/sci-fi geek emphasising the fantasy part, I spend a lot of my spare time playing video games, gravitating towards RPG's or anything with a heavy story basis (yes I love the bio-ware games) after that it's anime then books, and I've only recently started into comics.

I'm an avid pen and paper RPG gamer when I can find a group and I'm almost always involved in a few play by post or IM RP's

I currently work IT and I hope to become a computer programmer some day and would be ecstatic if I could be a game programmer and dip my hands into design.

and that's about all I can think of now, if anyone ever asks I'd be willing to list some of my favorite titles in any genre, but if I were to get into any more detail it would probably remove material for future posts. I just thought it would be a good idea to have some basic info up front

the first post

well here's the first post, I suppose I should try to explain what this blog will be about. which will be kinda tough since I don't exactly have a plan for this. I'll be posting some old posts I had on a different blog that's no longer available. giving some random thoughts, some on my condition some on things I like (I'm a pretty stereotypical nerd in my interests so be warned) and some perhaps some random thoughts.

some of those posts can get a little personal but most shouldn't. I hope that some of my more intense posts might help some one out there and maybe the rest can at least mild entertain a few. and hopefully I'll be finding a satisfactory way to express myself in the process.

so yeah, I don't have a lot of thoughts for this blog at the moment, and no idea if anyone will ever even see it. but hopefully I'll stick with it and hopefully some good will come of it.